Emily’s heart rate was sitting at 131 beats per minute and climbing, and she hadn’t even stepped onto the drop slide platform yet. For anyone who has ever stood at the top of a slide that looked nothing like it did from the ground, that number needs no explanation. Dantic and his fiancee Emily set out to answer one genuinely contested question: across every format a water park can take, from a cruise ship at sea to a Disney resort built around a fake melting ski mountain, which one actually wins?
The cruise ship that could technically sink
The journey started at the smallest entry on the list: a water park aboard a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. Three slides, great views, and the unique distinction of being the only water park in the comparison that is, as Dantic put it, ‘technically sinkable if you think about it.’ The ship also turned out to own a private island with its own slides, including what was initially billed as the tallest water slide in America before a last-minute fact-check dropped it to third tallest. The climb still had Emily wondering aloud whether she might be sick in the tube. She went. It was fast. Not terrifying, just tall. Looks: four out of five. Fun: three. Thrill: three. Total: 10 out of 15.
The next stop was an indoor water park, the kind Dantic remembered visiting as a kid, and the only venue willing to let the whole group hire it out exclusively. A wave pool, a space bowl that drops riders into what looked like ‘a dark empty void,’ a giant rainbow bowl that somehow got better mid-ride, and then a drop slide called the Thunderball, one of the only ones of its kind in the UK, according to a lifeguard named Hannah. Emily’s heart rate was logged at 131 and rising before she stepped in. She went anyway. Looks: three. Fun: four. Thrill: four. A point was added for the exclusive hire. Total: 11 out of 15, enough to take first place at the time.
The inflatable park that genuinely hurt
The inflatable water park arrived looking harmless and left having drawn blood from Emily’s confidence. Five zones of obstacle courses, monkey bars, and balance beams led to the centerpiece: a drop slide that throws riders two meters into the air before they hit the water. A fellow parkgoer named Bryce called it the scariest thing there without hesitation. George’s advice to a reluctant Emily was equally direct: ‘just send it.’ She sent it. Dantic confirmed afterward that landing wrong could, in theory, break a jaw. It was still rated five out of five for both fun and thrill, the first perfect scores of the trip. Looks: two. Total: 12 out of 15, a new leader.
The final stop required a nine-hour flight to Florida and a trip to Blizzard Beach, a Disney water park built around the concept of a melting ski resort, complete with the only ski lift in the state. The summit draw was Summit Plummet: 120 feet, speeds up to 60 miles per hour, and described by a visitor named Brennan as ‘terrifying’ before he immediately added ‘so fun.’ Emily had been dreading it for months by her own account. A full thunderstorm evacuation mid-visit, with lightning visibly striking and wind strong enough to end the afternoon, nearly settled the question for her. The park waited. Mickey pretzels were consumed. The storm passed. Emily went down Summit Plummet. Thrill: five. Fun: three. Theme: five. Total: 13 out of 15.
Emily, still standing
After Summit Plummet, Emily was asked which was scarier: the slide or the thunderstorm. She landed on the thunderstorm. Twice.
The cruise ship that started this trip in the middle of the ocean, with its three slides and technically sinkable status, scored a 10. The inflatable park with the jaw-risk drop slide scored a 12. The place that required a transatlantic flight, featured an actual ski lift, and sent Emily down a 120-foot freefall at 60 miles per hour finished with a 13, and took the trophy Dantic had made himself, which Emily called ‘so shame.’
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